If Only

Robert Steward

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Ritchie skanked to Manu Chao’s reggae pop hit Me Gustas Tu, a San Miguel beer in one hand and an electric blue jacket in the other. His chiselled face was a kaleidoscope of colour under the flashing nightclub lights. With his sparkling eyes, high cheek bones and infectious smile he was gorgeous. 

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Boy I wanted to get off with Ritchie. He had been on my mind all night—when I’d left my apartment in Graçia. When I’d slipped away from a party in El Raval. When we’d ditched his photography mates in a bar in El Born. In fact, ever since I’d met him at a Spanish class in the heart of Barcelona a month before.

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But I lacked the courage. Why was it so hard? Was it the embarrassment? The feeling of rejection? I took a swig from my beer and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. This was my fifth bottle and I had a buzz on. When it came to hitting on men, my relationship with alcohol was unpredictable: there was a fine line between beer-fuelled confidence and drunken incoherence. Many nights, the latter won out. But maybe this time would be different. 

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I danced closer to Ritchie, closed my eyes, leaned in. His aftershave smacked of pine and leather. 

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“I want to kiss you,” I said.

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“What’s that, Olly?” He tilted his head towards me.

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I hesitated. Imagined planting my lips on Ritchie’s, him pulling away. Imagined him yelling: “What the hell are you doing?” and storming off the dance floor. Imagined being left with the empty feeling of regret. Everything began to unravel, my senses heightened by the maelstrom swirling around me: the yelps of the nightclubbers, the neon signs, the smoke, the silhouettes on the dance floor. Even the playful romantic beat of Manu Chao sounded repetitive and psychedelic now. 

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“Shall we get another drink?” I said finally.

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We made our way to the bar. Together we had enough money for one more beer. We shared it sitting on the floor with our backs to the wall, watching the nightclubbers, dancing.

Robert Steward teaches English as a foreign language and lives in London. His stories have appeared in Scrittura, Literally Stories, Across the Margin, The Ogilvie, The Door Is A Jar and others. You can find them at: twitter.com/theroadtonaples.